On Finding ME First Before Mr. Right

Admittedly, there are times when I do curse my parents for raising me the way that I am today. All my life I have been sermoned by my Nanay what to look for in a husband. Then most of the time being the family's sounding board when she and my Tatay are not in good terms. That does not give me a pretty picture of my Tatay but since he's so lighthearted and funny, I can only carry what my Nanay told me in secrecy.

They have a really good love story. My Tatay saw her eating at this restaurant in Bataan and asked the shop's owner who she is and from then on pursued her by visiting her with Nanay's cousin who was a good friend of his. He would drop by my grandparents' house in Pilar, Bataan just to catch a glimpse of her all the way from Baguio where he worked as an engineer for the Department of Public Works and Highways.

One time he dropped by while he was on his way to play at a friend's wedding in Olongapo and jokingly my Nanay asked him when his wedding is going to be. To which my Tatay replied, "Ikaw, kung kelan mo gusto."

And it happened. They got married and they had me after the first year of their marriage.

They had a good marriage. There may have been sacrifices and fights in between yet they managed through it all.

Their ligawan story seems to be a fairy tale to me now that I'm in *that* age and still struggling with my affairs of the heart. I've been afraid to admit this even to myself but yes, I'm a free spirit. This book "Kiss and Run by Elina Furman" finally defined me as such. Thank God for this discovery! Otherwise, I'd still be questioning myself. You can obviously see that I still am struggling trying to define my own brand of a relationship.

I always wish I were in a relationship but I know deep down inside that I cannot stand it. Because I haven't defined what it is yet. What kind of a relationship do free-spirits have? Something undefined, I bet. Something beyond the social norms. Something I DO NOT KNOW!!! So there.

The idea of soulmates crossed my mind recently. How does one actually call one? I mean, there are types of soulmates. Some of them are actually part of my family. Some of them part of my friends who are now helping me with the business and thus helping me with my life. The other soulmate type which is more bordering on the romantic side, the idea crossed my mind just a week ago.

Anyways, I have this crazy idea that if me as a person is already "whole." Meaning I no longer have big, humongous emotional baggages, I'm the best person I can be, I am overflowing with love and no longer counting what they can give me but more willing to give back, then, that is the time I meet this person.

Not as a person wanting to be whole but let's face it, being alone for this long really suck. Sucks big time! I still have "cracks". Those "cracks," those chipped places that add more flavor to my character. Cracks that make me more human. Cracks that make me do crazy things. Whatever mistakes I have done in the past, I may have regretted doing them but I do not regret that they have made me into a better person.

My mother never taught me how to flirt to attract men. Otherwise I would have married younger since I basically attract all sorts of men but was doubting it during my younger years. If she taught me flirting at an earlier age, I might have fixed my hair more and gone to the derma earlier in my life. I would've been prettier in my teens! Hehe Instead of looking like a tomboy who climbed mountains with the guys and played soccer. But then, I don't blame her for the mountain and soccer part, I really enjoyed doing those.

It's just that, I could've dealt with men at an earlier age and not struggle with them up until now. Ugh!

She never taught me that I have my own imperfections and not to expect people to be perfect. They both taught me to strive to be perfect when in fact NOBODY on this earth is perfect.

Nanay taught me the value of money and to save, to which I am thankful. I haven't saved much but at least I know the value of money.

She is a very practical woman. I don't know why I value my brains over my face back then when I could've taken good care of both! I think it was my mother's influence that I rather be smart than pretty. True, pretty does not last forever but character lasts beyond your years.

I do not like how she would point out how my much athletic legs look so big. I didn't like it that I had to listen to both of them criticize my body when I really see nothing wrong with it. I'm as gorgeous as hell and I'm thankful for my mom for giving me a portion of her body type. And I thank my dad for my shapely legs.

Yes, it has been quite a journey and I'm still nowhere near it's end.

I have this theory, maybe you have to do all the wrong things--- if by some miracle another person accepts you for all those wrong things you've done---well then, you may have found Mr. Right.