More Romance, Please!
Kink says: May not need this "now" so I'm saving it for later. Putting articles in storage.
Let's face it: It's hard to be wildly romantic once you have kids. It's a question of simple math: only so many hours in the day, only two of you, only two hours left after their bedtime and before yours and only one reliable sitter (if you're lucky). When you think of it that way, it's amazing you manage to stay as lovey-dovey as you do. But it is possible to make your marriage as sweet and sexy as a Meg Ryan movie and to grow even closer during those peak parenthood years, says Cherie Carter-Scott, Ph.D., author of If Love Is a Game, These Are the Rules. Here's how to keep your romance rockin' every step of the way.
*Some names have been changed.
Romance Roadblock #1: A new baby means wondering if you'll ever have a love life again.
You're sleep deprived and too busy even to go to the bathroom: Is it any wonder that romance takes a bit of a nosedive when there's a new baby in the house? "It's an intense shift in the relationship because you're moving from a 'we' of two to a 'we' of three," says Carter-Scott. To make sure you two don't get lost in the shuffle, it's crucial to carve out time to be alone together. Ideally, say the marriage gurus, you should try for a weekly date night. And if you're tempted to put it off until little Jake is walking/talking/starting school, consider this: "When it comes to romance, the more time that goes by, the harder it will be to pick up where you left off," says Carter-Scott.
Another tip: If both of you work outside the home, hold date night during the day. That's what Dan and Carolyn Bates of New York have made their love ritual ever since 1-year-old Andrew was just a few months old. "We meet for lunch once or twice a week and eat pasta and talk, the way we used to when we were dating," Carolyn says. "Since we don't have to worry about logistics, it's easier to be spontaneous and focus on each other."
Romance Roadblock #2: Your bedroom has become a playroom.
Have kids taken over your space? It's time to reclaim your bedroom as your private love nest. To get rid of TV-watching kids in your bedroom, simply get rid of the TV. Next "remove anything that reminds you of your obligations as a parent," says Debra Amador, a feng shui expert in San Rafael, California. "Ban parenting books, school forms and even pictures of your kids from your bedroom. This should be your space as a couple, not as parents, in order for romance to thrive."
To leave your intimate imprints on the room, stock it with everything from sexy souvenirs (for instance, photos from excursions you took together or robes from the hotel you stayed at on your honeymoon) to sensual goodies (e.g., fragrant candles or velvet pillows). The goal is to fill your haven with whatever makes you feel sensuous and snaps you back into romance mode. And as hard as it is to stop middle-of-the-night wanderers from crossing the border, it's essential to keep kids out of your bed, says Susan Fletcher, Ph.D., a psychologist in Dallas. "Your bed should be your space," she says. "Not only does having kids in your bed kill any romance, but kids who sleep with their parents are much more likely to have difficulty coping with separation, which means it will be harder for you to leave kids with a sitter when you two want to go out alone."
Romance Roadblock #3: Who can flirt with the kids always around?
Have those lingering touches and bedroom eyes gone the way of Saturday mornings spent sleeping in? Guess what: It's not only possible but downright healthy to flirt (albeit mildly) in front of your children. Parental PDAs set an amazing example of how sweet and tender a marriage can be, says Carter-Scott. So don't be shy about stealing a smooch or saying, "I love you" when the kids are around. Bonus: Those tiny touches and loving looks will keep your mind and body constantly primed for the real fireworks to come: Just ask Trish Simo, 29, of Mundelein, Illinois. "My husband and I have our own little hints to each other that are way over our 5-, 2-, and 1-year-olds' heads," she confesses. "We created our own code language. Saying secret love comments to each other when the kids are around makes us look forward to them going to bed at night!"
Of course, if your kids are old enough to catch the romantic innuendos, you'll need to use a bit more discretion, but you can still be a full-on flirt. Send each other steamy emails at the office or on your home computer. (Change your password frequently to keep your junior hacker in the dark.) You can also leave sweet and/or slightly suggestive messages on each other's cell phones throughout the day.
And when all else fails, find an excuse to go behind a locked door in the middle of the day. "My husband and I have three kids," says Veronica Dennis, 31, of Hacienda Heights, California. "So we have to make each moment count. Every once in a while, we tell the children that Mom and Dad need to have a meeting to discuss something private. We then adjourn to our bedroom, lock the door and begin our 'meeting.' It's quick but intense, and we usually take the children for ice cream or something afterward. We tell them that our meeting was about a surprise for them, so everyone is happy!"
Romance Roadblock #4: Some date night! You always end up talking about the kids.
You've booked the sitter and reserved a table for two at your favorite bistro (the one you always used to go to before you became parents). But instead of having a fabulously romantic night out on the town, you spend the whole evening discussing -- guess who? -- the kids. Aargh!
Surprisingly, parent-talk can be a bonding breakthrough, says Carter-Scott, if you steer the conversation away from the children and toward your feelings about your new role. "As parents you feel so many things: blessed, overwhelmed, inspired, scared," she explains. "Share those real feelings -- what intimacy's all about -- and you'll be able to relate more deeply as partners."
That said, if you can't even remember what you used to talk about before you had kids, it's time to reconnect through your shared hobbies: the sailing, salsa dancing, pool playing or antiquing that was a big part of your falling-in-love years. If you don't have the time or money to indulge in those old favorites, think up new rituals to share at home: Paint your bedroom a hot, sexy color together. Pick an ethnic cuisine to master and get cooking in the kitchen. Read the same book and discuss it before dozing off -- think of it as a book club for the two smartest, coolest people in the world.
Romance Roadblock #5: Your "dating dollars" are paying for schools, activities and half of Toys "R" Us.
Nights out and new lingerie can keep a marriage hot, but who has the cash after shelling out for art lessons, American Girl dolls and the designer sneakers your son absolutely has to have? Don't worry, you don't have to empty the bank: For the price of a baby-sitter, you can fill your life with love adventures. "My husband and I take day trips to the mountains that are within an hour's drive," says LuAnn Wilkins, 33, of Fairlawn, New Jersey. "We hike the deserted trails, complete with waterfalls -- all for the cost of gas and tolls."
There are tons of inexpensive outings for two. If it takes a little black dress (and a little red wine) to put you in the mood, get yourself on the invitation lists of local art galleries. "We go to gallery openings," says Andrea Brown, 33, of Seattle. "They usually serve complimentary wine and cheese, and they take place in the evening, so you can dress up." Not an art aficionado? Check local listings for free concerts in the park. If you live near vineyards, take a winery tour or attend a wine tasting. Many public schools offer ballroom-dance lessons at low prices. Even an impulsive midnight picnic under the stars can add a sexy twist to an ordinary weeknight. While you're cuddling in the moonlight, try this love game: Take turns sharing five things you absolutely adore about each other, says Carter-Scott.
Romance Roadblock #6: Your kids' schedules are eating your weekends alive.
Do you need a cruise director to keep track of all your kids' weekend activities? To ensure that your coupledom doesn't take a backseat to tae kwon do, you need to be somewhat crafty. First rule: If you have more than one child, make sure their lessons overlap. That way you and your husband can have uninterrupted time, even if it's spent just grabbing a bagel and coffee together.
In fact, it can be a major parenting mistake to let the kids' activities rule your life. So before signing them up, you and your mate should scope out your own schedule and plan your children's activities around that, says William Doherty, Ph.D., author of Take Back Your Marriage. If Saturday is the only day you two can spend together, sign your kids up for a soccer league that plays on Sunday instead.
Romance Roadblock #7: Every vacation's a family vacation.
You once cruised hand in hand down a canal in Venice; now you're taking turns waiting on three-hour lines at Disney. But even if your lifestyle has changed since your pre-baby days, you can still sneak in an adults-only getaway, says Carter-Scott. Recruit relatives to baby-sit so you can spend an amazing night or two at a local bed-and-breakfast. "To keep your marriage as hot as possible, sometimes you need an uninterrupted span of time when nobody's calling out for Mommy," she says. If a B&B is not in the budget right now, send your kids off to a fun-filled weekend at their grandparents' house and turn your own place into a cozy love cottage. During the day let your errands slide and play tourist in your hometown or the nearest city. At night collapse in bed (or on the kitchen floor) and make all the noise you want, knowing that the kids are loving life -- and out of earshot -- at Grandma's house.
There are even sneaky ways to make family vacations more romantic. Take a tip from Sonia Rogers, 32, of Brooklyn, who has found that outdoorsy vacations at the beach all but guarantee her and her man plenty of couple time at night. "When my kids are active in the sun all day," she says, "they get so exhausted that they fall asleep right after dinner, leaving my husband and me time to be alone."
And then there are those moments when you just have to be creative, as Julie Taylor, 30, of Los Angeles discovered. "When our son, Holden, was 7 months old, my husband and I decided to take a trip to Las Vegas: It's where we got married, so we thought it would be fun to bring our son there," she recalls. "We noticed right away that the room had a huge bathroom with French doors. When it was time for Holden to go to sleep, we put his portable crib next to our bed: big mistake. Every time we moved, he'd wake up screaming. So then we got the idea to move his bassinet into the bathroom and close the doors (still able to see him). He snoozed in peace while we watched pay-per-views, ordered room service and made love. I never thought I'd let my son sleep in a bathroom -- but, hey, whatever works!"
Prime Your Bedroom for Passion
Can changing the position of your bed really pump up your love life? Absolutely, says Karen Rauch Carter, feng shui expert and author of Move Your Stuff, Change Your Life. Try some of these tips to get your bedroom ready for romance:
Move your bed. The hottest place for your bed is with the headboard against a solid wall, where you can see the bedroom door to the right or left of your feet: This will make you feel supersecure and allow you to be more playful in bed. The worst is having a bed with no headboard up against a window with your feet pointing toward the door. According to Carter, you'll feel tense, not exactly a romantic frame of mind.
Heat things up with color. "I see a lot of stark-white comforters," says Carter. "It's very clean, but it's cold from a sexual standpoint." Warm colors (reds, oranges and yellows) are more sensual, as are colors similar to your or your husband's skin tone. Ideally, you should have these colors on the bed itself; if you don't want to invest in new bedding, add pillows or a chenille throw in your favorite warm tone.
Clear away clutter. Feng shui experts say that holding on to excess stuff is unhealthy, so any clutter in your bedroom may cause relationship problems. Invite love in by banishing old magazines, work and such from your bedside table and dresser.
Think in pairs. For romantic balance, says Carter, stick to pairs of objects: two matching reading lamps, two nightstands, etc. Symmetrical decorating plays up the harmony, equality and bond between you and your man. Even your artwork should scream soul mate: Go ahead and deck the walls with photos that show the two of you crazy kids having fun together.
Let's face it: It's hard to be wildly romantic once you have kids. It's a question of simple math: only so many hours in the day, only two of you, only two hours left after their bedtime and before yours and only one reliable sitter (if you're lucky). When you think of it that way, it's amazing you manage to stay as lovey-dovey as you do. But it is possible to make your marriage as sweet and sexy as a Meg Ryan movie and to grow even closer during those peak parenthood years, says Cherie Carter-Scott, Ph.D., author of If Love Is a Game, These Are the Rules. Here's how to keep your romance rockin' every step of the way.
*Some names have been changed.
Romance Roadblock #1: A new baby means wondering if you'll ever have a love life again.
You're sleep deprived and too busy even to go to the bathroom: Is it any wonder that romance takes a bit of a nosedive when there's a new baby in the house? "It's an intense shift in the relationship because you're moving from a 'we' of two to a 'we' of three," says Carter-Scott. To make sure you two don't get lost in the shuffle, it's crucial to carve out time to be alone together. Ideally, say the marriage gurus, you should try for a weekly date night. And if you're tempted to put it off until little Jake is walking/talking/starting school, consider this: "When it comes to romance, the more time that goes by, the harder it will be to pick up where you left off," says Carter-Scott.
Another tip: If both of you work outside the home, hold date night during the day. That's what Dan and Carolyn Bates of New York have made their love ritual ever since 1-year-old Andrew was just a few months old. "We meet for lunch once or twice a week and eat pasta and talk, the way we used to when we were dating," Carolyn says. "Since we don't have to worry about logistics, it's easier to be spontaneous and focus on each other."
Romance Roadblock #2: Your bedroom has become a playroom.
Have kids taken over your space? It's time to reclaim your bedroom as your private love nest. To get rid of TV-watching kids in your bedroom, simply get rid of the TV. Next "remove anything that reminds you of your obligations as a parent," says Debra Amador, a feng shui expert in San Rafael, California. "Ban parenting books, school forms and even pictures of your kids from your bedroom. This should be your space as a couple, not as parents, in order for romance to thrive."
To leave your intimate imprints on the room, stock it with everything from sexy souvenirs (for instance, photos from excursions you took together or robes from the hotel you stayed at on your honeymoon) to sensual goodies (e.g., fragrant candles or velvet pillows). The goal is to fill your haven with whatever makes you feel sensuous and snaps you back into romance mode. And as hard as it is to stop middle-of-the-night wanderers from crossing the border, it's essential to keep kids out of your bed, says Susan Fletcher, Ph.D., a psychologist in Dallas. "Your bed should be your space," she says. "Not only does having kids in your bed kill any romance, but kids who sleep with their parents are much more likely to have difficulty coping with separation, which means it will be harder for you to leave kids with a sitter when you two want to go out alone."
Romance Roadblock #3: Who can flirt with the kids always around?
Have those lingering touches and bedroom eyes gone the way of Saturday mornings spent sleeping in? Guess what: It's not only possible but downright healthy to flirt (albeit mildly) in front of your children. Parental PDAs set an amazing example of how sweet and tender a marriage can be, says Carter-Scott. So don't be shy about stealing a smooch or saying, "I love you" when the kids are around. Bonus: Those tiny touches and loving looks will keep your mind and body constantly primed for the real fireworks to come: Just ask Trish Simo, 29, of Mundelein, Illinois. "My husband and I have our own little hints to each other that are way over our 5-, 2-, and 1-year-olds' heads," she confesses. "We created our own code language. Saying secret love comments to each other when the kids are around makes us look forward to them going to bed at night!"
Of course, if your kids are old enough to catch the romantic innuendos, you'll need to use a bit more discretion, but you can still be a full-on flirt. Send each other steamy emails at the office or on your home computer. (Change your password frequently to keep your junior hacker in the dark.) You can also leave sweet and/or slightly suggestive messages on each other's cell phones throughout the day.
And when all else fails, find an excuse to go behind a locked door in the middle of the day. "My husband and I have three kids," says Veronica Dennis, 31, of Hacienda Heights, California. "So we have to make each moment count. Every once in a while, we tell the children that Mom and Dad need to have a meeting to discuss something private. We then adjourn to our bedroom, lock the door and begin our 'meeting.' It's quick but intense, and we usually take the children for ice cream or something afterward. We tell them that our meeting was about a surprise for them, so everyone is happy!"
Romance Roadblock #4: Some date night! You always end up talking about the kids.
You've booked the sitter and reserved a table for two at your favorite bistro (the one you always used to go to before you became parents). But instead of having a fabulously romantic night out on the town, you spend the whole evening discussing -- guess who? -- the kids. Aargh!
Surprisingly, parent-talk can be a bonding breakthrough, says Carter-Scott, if you steer the conversation away from the children and toward your feelings about your new role. "As parents you feel so many things: blessed, overwhelmed, inspired, scared," she explains. "Share those real feelings -- what intimacy's all about -- and you'll be able to relate more deeply as partners."
That said, if you can't even remember what you used to talk about before you had kids, it's time to reconnect through your shared hobbies: the sailing, salsa dancing, pool playing or antiquing that was a big part of your falling-in-love years. If you don't have the time or money to indulge in those old favorites, think up new rituals to share at home: Paint your bedroom a hot, sexy color together. Pick an ethnic cuisine to master and get cooking in the kitchen. Read the same book and discuss it before dozing off -- think of it as a book club for the two smartest, coolest people in the world.
Romance Roadblock #5: Your "dating dollars" are paying for schools, activities and half of Toys "R" Us.
Nights out and new lingerie can keep a marriage hot, but who has the cash after shelling out for art lessons, American Girl dolls and the designer sneakers your son absolutely has to have? Don't worry, you don't have to empty the bank: For the price of a baby-sitter, you can fill your life with love adventures. "My husband and I take day trips to the mountains that are within an hour's drive," says LuAnn Wilkins, 33, of Fairlawn, New Jersey. "We hike the deserted trails, complete with waterfalls -- all for the cost of gas and tolls."
There are tons of inexpensive outings for two. If it takes a little black dress (and a little red wine) to put you in the mood, get yourself on the invitation lists of local art galleries. "We go to gallery openings," says Andrea Brown, 33, of Seattle. "They usually serve complimentary wine and cheese, and they take place in the evening, so you can dress up." Not an art aficionado? Check local listings for free concerts in the park. If you live near vineyards, take a winery tour or attend a wine tasting. Many public schools offer ballroom-dance lessons at low prices. Even an impulsive midnight picnic under the stars can add a sexy twist to an ordinary weeknight. While you're cuddling in the moonlight, try this love game: Take turns sharing five things you absolutely adore about each other, says Carter-Scott.
Romance Roadblock #6: Your kids' schedules are eating your weekends alive.
Do you need a cruise director to keep track of all your kids' weekend activities? To ensure that your coupledom doesn't take a backseat to tae kwon do, you need to be somewhat crafty. First rule: If you have more than one child, make sure their lessons overlap. That way you and your husband can have uninterrupted time, even if it's spent just grabbing a bagel and coffee together.
In fact, it can be a major parenting mistake to let the kids' activities rule your life. So before signing them up, you and your mate should scope out your own schedule and plan your children's activities around that, says William Doherty, Ph.D., author of Take Back Your Marriage. If Saturday is the only day you two can spend together, sign your kids up for a soccer league that plays on Sunday instead.
Romance Roadblock #7: Every vacation's a family vacation.
You once cruised hand in hand down a canal in Venice; now you're taking turns waiting on three-hour lines at Disney. But even if your lifestyle has changed since your pre-baby days, you can still sneak in an adults-only getaway, says Carter-Scott. Recruit relatives to baby-sit so you can spend an amazing night or two at a local bed-and-breakfast. "To keep your marriage as hot as possible, sometimes you need an uninterrupted span of time when nobody's calling out for Mommy," she says. If a B&B is not in the budget right now, send your kids off to a fun-filled weekend at their grandparents' house and turn your own place into a cozy love cottage. During the day let your errands slide and play tourist in your hometown or the nearest city. At night collapse in bed (or on the kitchen floor) and make all the noise you want, knowing that the kids are loving life -- and out of earshot -- at Grandma's house.
There are even sneaky ways to make family vacations more romantic. Take a tip from Sonia Rogers, 32, of Brooklyn, who has found that outdoorsy vacations at the beach all but guarantee her and her man plenty of couple time at night. "When my kids are active in the sun all day," she says, "they get so exhausted that they fall asleep right after dinner, leaving my husband and me time to be alone."
And then there are those moments when you just have to be creative, as Julie Taylor, 30, of Los Angeles discovered. "When our son, Holden, was 7 months old, my husband and I decided to take a trip to Las Vegas: It's where we got married, so we thought it would be fun to bring our son there," she recalls. "We noticed right away that the room had a huge bathroom with French doors. When it was time for Holden to go to sleep, we put his portable crib next to our bed: big mistake. Every time we moved, he'd wake up screaming. So then we got the idea to move his bassinet into the bathroom and close the doors (still able to see him). He snoozed in peace while we watched pay-per-views, ordered room service and made love. I never thought I'd let my son sleep in a bathroom -- but, hey, whatever works!"
Prime Your Bedroom for Passion
Can changing the position of your bed really pump up your love life? Absolutely, says Karen Rauch Carter, feng shui expert and author of Move Your Stuff, Change Your Life. Try some of these tips to get your bedroom ready for romance:
Move your bed. The hottest place for your bed is with the headboard against a solid wall, where you can see the bedroom door to the right or left of your feet: This will make you feel supersecure and allow you to be more playful in bed. The worst is having a bed with no headboard up against a window with your feet pointing toward the door. According to Carter, you'll feel tense, not exactly a romantic frame of mind.
Heat things up with color. "I see a lot of stark-white comforters," says Carter. "It's very clean, but it's cold from a sexual standpoint." Warm colors (reds, oranges and yellows) are more sensual, as are colors similar to your or your husband's skin tone. Ideally, you should have these colors on the bed itself; if you don't want to invest in new bedding, add pillows or a chenille throw in your favorite warm tone.
Clear away clutter. Feng shui experts say that holding on to excess stuff is unhealthy, so any clutter in your bedroom may cause relationship problems. Invite love in by banishing old magazines, work and such from your bedside table and dresser.
Think in pairs. For romantic balance, says Carter, stick to pairs of objects: two matching reading lamps, two nightstands, etc. Symmetrical decorating plays up the harmony, equality and bond between you and your man. Even your artwork should scream soul mate: Go ahead and deck the walls with photos that show the two of you crazy kids having fun together.
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