When Friends Become Lovers By Michele Hickford
When Friends Become Lovers
By Michele Hickford
Source: Special for eDiets
The other day I read something in an email from a reader that struck me as very funny. It’s something I’ve heard over and over again, but for some reason, the significance finally hit me.
This lady said she knew a wonderful guy and really enjoyed being with him, they were growing closer and were attracted to each other, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to have sex with him because she didn’t want to "ruin the friendship."
RUIN the friendship.
Do you realize what she’s saying? What everyone who has ever said this is saying?
Growing closer and sharing love will RUIN a friendship. Finding a soul mate, with whom you can share your triumph, sadness, ups and downs will RUIN a friendship. Being intimate and committing yourself to another person will RUIN a friendship.
What does this say about how we view intimate relationships? A union that should really be the greatest friendship of all?
Well, I guess we don’t see our partners as friends, that’s for sure.
Friends are fun to be with. Friends are open and honest with us. They don’t lie, they tell us exactly how they feel. Friends understand we need time by ourselves sometimes, and if we don’t call, it doesn’t mean we’re still not friends -– we’re just doing something else. Our friends accept us as we are, and don’t compare us to old friends. We laugh about the time we had a disagreement. Or we just forget about it, but we certainly don’t remind each other about it every time we get cranky.
With our good friends, we can talk about ANYthing. Or we can just hang out together and not say a word. We don’t wish we could change our friends. We accept them as individuals, and like them just the way they are.
But as soon as a friendship becomes a relationship, oh my, all hell breaks loose.
We walk on eggshells. We can’t say what we think because we don’t want to hurt each other. We’re afraid to be honest about our feelings. We agonize if they don’t call every single day. We expect them to drop everything to be with us. To want to spend every moment with us.
To whom do we give the greater respect? Friends or lovers? I know what the answer seems to be, and what it SHOULD be.
When you "cross that line" into intimacy, your friendship should deepen and become stronger. Ideally, you are making a commitment to be intimate only with that one person.
You are saving that special part of your relationship for each other. And with it comes other emotional intimacy.
But fergawdsakes you should still be FRIENDS.
Perhaps what this lady meant was, what if we sleep together, and he looks dorky naked or we don’t click physically -- will we be able to "go back" to just friends? "Just" friends.
But of course! If you are truly friends, you respect each other. You can laugh about your silly mistakes. You can put them in the amusing memories file (the one that only gets accessed after one or two cocktails), and move on.
A good friendship is rare and valuable. It’s worth the effort. And most important, it should form the basis of a good, healthy intimate relationship. Whatever else you are together, you must be FRIENDS. Respect each other’s individuality. Appreciate each other’s differences. Demand and deliver honesty, loyalty and integrity. Do all of this, and your friendship will remain unshakable. A little nookie might make it better, it might not make any difference at all, but it certainly won’t make a dent.
Kink's comments: I'm glad I finally read this article again in Ediets. Makes me wonder why I talk to men who they say they have wives who aren't even their friends. Like what I said in ym to one of my friends, "Sana kapag nagka-asawa ako, sana kaibigan turing sa akin para kahit sa kalokohan kasama pa rin ako. And if something's bothering him, he won't be afraid to tell me about it." Hmmm... makes me wonder if it's different if you're in a relationship. Ugh!
By Michele Hickford
Source: Special for eDiets
The other day I read something in an email from a reader that struck me as very funny. It’s something I’ve heard over and over again, but for some reason, the significance finally hit me.
This lady said she knew a wonderful guy and really enjoyed being with him, they were growing closer and were attracted to each other, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to have sex with him because she didn’t want to "ruin the friendship."
RUIN the friendship.
Do you realize what she’s saying? What everyone who has ever said this is saying?
Growing closer and sharing love will RUIN a friendship. Finding a soul mate, with whom you can share your triumph, sadness, ups and downs will RUIN a friendship. Being intimate and committing yourself to another person will RUIN a friendship.
What does this say about how we view intimate relationships? A union that should really be the greatest friendship of all?
Well, I guess we don’t see our partners as friends, that’s for sure.
Friends are fun to be with. Friends are open and honest with us. They don’t lie, they tell us exactly how they feel. Friends understand we need time by ourselves sometimes, and if we don’t call, it doesn’t mean we’re still not friends -– we’re just doing something else. Our friends accept us as we are, and don’t compare us to old friends. We laugh about the time we had a disagreement. Or we just forget about it, but we certainly don’t remind each other about it every time we get cranky.
With our good friends, we can talk about ANYthing. Or we can just hang out together and not say a word. We don’t wish we could change our friends. We accept them as individuals, and like them just the way they are.
But as soon as a friendship becomes a relationship, oh my, all hell breaks loose.
We walk on eggshells. We can’t say what we think because we don’t want to hurt each other. We’re afraid to be honest about our feelings. We agonize if they don’t call every single day. We expect them to drop everything to be with us. To want to spend every moment with us.
To whom do we give the greater respect? Friends or lovers? I know what the answer seems to be, and what it SHOULD be.
When you "cross that line" into intimacy, your friendship should deepen and become stronger. Ideally, you are making a commitment to be intimate only with that one person.
You are saving that special part of your relationship for each other. And with it comes other emotional intimacy.
But fergawdsakes you should still be FRIENDS.
Perhaps what this lady meant was, what if we sleep together, and he looks dorky naked or we don’t click physically -- will we be able to "go back" to just friends? "Just" friends.
But of course! If you are truly friends, you respect each other. You can laugh about your silly mistakes. You can put them in the amusing memories file (the one that only gets accessed after one or two cocktails), and move on.
A good friendship is rare and valuable. It’s worth the effort. And most important, it should form the basis of a good, healthy intimate relationship. Whatever else you are together, you must be FRIENDS. Respect each other’s individuality. Appreciate each other’s differences. Demand and deliver honesty, loyalty and integrity. Do all of this, and your friendship will remain unshakable. A little nookie might make it better, it might not make any difference at all, but it certainly won’t make a dent.
Kink's comments: I'm glad I finally read this article again in Ediets. Makes me wonder why I talk to men who they say they have wives who aren't even their friends. Like what I said in ym to one of my friends, "Sana kapag nagka-asawa ako, sana kaibigan turing sa akin para kahit sa kalokohan kasama pa rin ako. And if something's bothering him, he won't be afraid to tell me about it." Hmmm... makes me wonder if it's different if you're in a relationship. Ugh!
Comments
Fuck labels.
LOL!
Good to see you back! ;)
-- ergoe
*following doctor's orders*